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As a horror fiend, I’ve made my fair share of trips to the movie theatre this year. I am especially lucky to live in a city like Montreal, because I was able to see every single one of these on the big screen, thanks to smaller independent theatres and Montreal’s Fantasia Film Festival (which I can’t recommend enough). This being the time of year for the spooks, and when most people want to get their horror fill, I thought I’d lend my own experiences to help people choose what to see (and what to avoid) when it comes to the last year in horror. As a few of these were shown Fantasia, they have yet to hit the theatre circuit, and some probably never will. The list is not definite (I’m missing quite a few, notably The Final Destination, Saw VI and Paranormal Activity) and is ordered from worst to best.

18. The Unborn

It seems nearly impossible to actually summarize the plot of this film, because it makes so little sense. There is something about dead twins, the Holocaust, demons, and something called Jumby. The film could possibly be scary if it weren’t so narratively incompetent. Nothing makes sense, and the inclusion of things like the Holocaust as a means of building suspense and context is borderline offensive. The cast, even including Gary Oldman, brings nothing to the script and it’s not even worth seeing for an interesting performance. Don’t let anyone trick you into seeing this!

17. The Haunting in Connecticut

Based on a true story, The Haunting in Connecticut is about the haunting of a family that is dealing with their own personal turmoils, as the oldest son is losing his battle to cancer. The family relocates in order to be closer to the hospital where he is treated, and set up shop in an old house. Little did they know that the house has a long history of death and the occult, and was at once a funeral parlour and eventually the home of a powerful boy medium whose presence dissolved the line between the living and the dead. The film is poorly executed in every sense of the word and is sometimes barely coherent — or at least chronologically inconsistent in its approach to events, ailments and haunting. I’m usually fairly lenient with creative time or geography, but this film abuses my very relaxed expectations of plot. The film is without style or creativity, and is very poorly acted. I can’t think of anything worthwhile about this film.

16. Friday the 13th

Not really a remake, this falls into the “reboot” category that many film adaptations have been leaning towards over the years. It has little in common with the first film of the series, from which it borrows its name, and picks and chooses bits and pieces from all the other films. Jason hangs around a “haunted” camp, luring teens and college-aged students with his crops of marijuana. It is a very ugly film that has very few, if any redeeming features. Friday the 13th is far too dark and serious for the outrageousness of the premise, and with the exception of the opening sequence, the film makes little attempt at levity or creativity. It falls into all the problems of slasher films, from its strange morality to its inherent sexism.

15. The Uninvited

The one thing that The Uninvited deserves credit for is making the needlessly elaborate plot of A Tale of Two Sisters more concise. Unfortunately, along the way, it loses everything that makes the original great, namely a strong visual style that transcends most plot weaknesses and creates an effective and haunting atmosphere. After spending an extended period of time in a mental hospital, Anna returns home. She reunites with her sister and best friend, but her sanity is continually tested as she is confronted with her father’s new wife, the young and beautiful nurse who used to care for her mother before her death in a fire. Unable to remember the night her mother died, she attempts to search her memory for what happened that night, and is haunted by strange appearances and ghosts in her house. The story is more or less the same as the original, though does not feature quite as many tangents. If only the director had any sense of cinema, the film could have been great. The script is actually decent, but its rendering so limp that the film is barely watchable.

14. Jennifer’s Body

To its credit, this film has converted me on Megan Fox. She may be a little fake looking, but she is actually really hot, and has this undeniable animalistic kind of oomph that I can’t resist. (She has to stop with the plastic surgery now though, because it’s a slippery slope.) Otherwise, this movie kinda sucked. I was momentarily charmed by the overabundant cutesy, ridiculous dialogue and outrageously over the top direction… but oh man, did it ever wear thin, and fast. Who would have thought converting the school’s queen bitch into a boy eating demon would be bad? Well, I suspected as much, but part of me hoped it could be in the vein of something like Ginger Snaps… it really just wasn’t. The film may have been decent if someone was allowed to rewrite the script — there are some interesting ideas and subtext — but none of it works and is bogged down by weird and obnoxious flippancy.

13. Orochi

Based on what I can only assume is a rather strange manga, Oricihi plays out like an episode of The Twilight Zone that is stretched far too thin. The material could easily have been covered within half an hour, playing out a strange morality tale about vanity and jealousy, but instead it becomes an overwrought thematic mess about time, memory and immortality. The bookends, featuring the titular character are strange at best and mostly contribute to making a simple story unnecessarily convoluted. Perhaps too much has been lost in translation in this case, from text to screen, and then from Japanese to English subtitles, but the film tackles far too much in such a short amount of time and fails to do it with any particular flair or style.

12. My Bloody Valentine

Fun for the 3-D factor, I can’t imagine any of the entertainment value translating to the small screen, even if you have your very own 3-D Glasses. Ten years after the terrible massacre that changed his life forever, Tom returns to his small town for his father’s funeral. His return seems to ignite feelings that were buried long ago by most of the residents, and even to wake the dead, as the murders start up again. At the very least, this film doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it could have been even better if it had let loose completely and played the film as a hokey parody of the original. It is positively baffling how uncharismatic Jensen Ackles is in this film, because anyone who watches Supernatural knows he has a commanding and unparalleled screen presence. Where is it here?

11. The Stepfather

While it doesn’t do very much right, it doesn’t do very much wrong either. I quite like the ending actually, eerie in a predictable way and a fun cover of a very famous song. Again, I have to ask, what is this trend of emotionally crippled fatherhood in the past ten years? If they’re not psychopaths, they are completely useless. Is it a reflection on a lack of faith in authority, or perhaps confusion over male identity? The film is interesting in context of other films of that nature, and has Taylor Swift, my hottie du moment. I hated the original, and though little changes (the daughter becomes the son), I think this is a more competent incarnation, though in the end it is still a bland PG-13 horror flick.

10. Thirst

A Korean twist on the vampire myth, running at nearly three hours, Thirst can be described as an epic. Even thematically, the film has the religious and “romantic” aspect one often would find in classic Hollywood epics, though with a very twisted sense of humour.  I have to admit, I was not a huge fan of this film; I found it too long and perhaps too strange. The only thing I can credit it is that it at least was able to laugh at itself. The film never takes itself too seriously, and as a result, there is a lightness to the desperation and loneliness on display. The film ultimately suffers from bad pacing and an uneven narrative structure, and the great moments are sparse and often burdened by a rather uninteresting story. This was (and still is) my only experience with Park, and I can’t say it makes me excited to visit his other work. Many friends of mine saw it at Fantasia, who happen to be big of his, thought very highly of Thirst.

9. Sorority Row

What you probably already know: Sorority Row is not a good film. What you might not know: It’s not nearly as bad as it looks. The premise is ridiculous and the lead up to the mysterious killer part is abysmal. The first half hour or so, which is essentially the premise set up by the trailer, has little to no redeeming features. It’s badly scripted, badly shot, and badly acted. Though I should be thankful it jumps right into the plot, I wish they could have found a different way to get around to the fun parts… but whatever, I walked into this film expecting crap of the highest order. Fast forward eight months later, the sorority girls have managed to keep their murder a secret but are still torn up inside (well, most of them), and it only gets worse when they all get weird texts with pictures of the murder weapon. The film transforms into a puritanical revenge fantasy and it’s no surprise that the most promiscuous goes first; most of the others soon follow suit. Mark this down as another unsuccessful remake, as the original is quite a bit better, though still not top caliber horror.

8. I Sell the Dead

For fans of Shaun of the Dead, I imagine this film will be a fairly big success. It’s essentially the same premise (at least it employs the same tone), minus the romance and set in a different era. About to be killed for his crimes, a grave robber recounts his strange and fantastic life. The film takes forever to pick up, and it is only with the introduction of the supernatural element that it finds its feet. That particular scene, which involves a sort of spectral vampire, is easily the best of the film, and veers between straight out scares and outrageous laughs. The film picks up afterward, but is still fairly inconsistent. Though as someone who thought the same of Shaun of the Dead, I think this film will be fairly popular when it gets a proper release.

7. Grace

As someone who loves films that play on female sexuality and considers Rosemary’s Baby one of the very best horror films, Grace came as something of a disappointment. Though the film does succeed at invoking a sense of dread, it also focuses a bit too heavily on the grotesque and eventually falls short from being a truly fascinating portrait of motherhood. The film reminds me very much of the also quite recent Inside, which has a similar premise, a woman loses her husband in a car accident that may (or may) not have also killed her unborn child. With Grace, you do have something (though not much) to latch onto aside from the terrible violence and gore in which Inside revels. The film falls apart completely in the final act and has one of the most ridiculous final scenes I’ve seen in a long time. Still, there is enough good in this film for me to recommend this film, and be excited to see whatever the director tackles next.

6. The Children

A UK film make about strange and eerie children — well, I’ve never seen that before! Despite the fact that this film has been done many and done far better, The Children is by no means terrible. It has some interesting moments, and at least attempts to remain relevant by playing into fears of disease, which seems particularly apt these days. Technically well made, and beautiful performed, the film has a fairly uninspired script and suffers as a result. The film, at its best, brings into question an apparent distrust in modern society of parental figures. This seems strange, because it is the children who are evil, but the film is almost more about the failures and the selfishness of the parents.

5. Zombieland

It’s no surprise that this film was initially pitched as a television pilot and though I have to bemoan the fact that we still don’t have a regular zombie sitcom, this film will hold me over for a while. Even though it seems we are oversaturated with zombies these days, this film is still remarkably good and not particularly redundant. The zombie apocalypse has arrived, and one particular young adult has created something of a rule book that aids his survival. He attempts to make his way home to Ohio and he meets a bunch of weirdos who become his friends. I still have to ask, though, if this film would have even been worth seeing if Woody Harrelson hadn’t been in it. What is it about Harrelson that is so endlessly appealing? This role seems tailor made for him, and he even manages to excel in the emotionally charged scenes and flashbacks that had no reason for working. The film doesn’t have a lot of flab and works primarily as a comedy, worth seeing for the laughs but not the scares.

4. Pontypool

From Bob Clark’s Black Christmas to the early works of Cronenberg and, more recently, the Ginger Snaps trilogy, Canada has always been reliable for a good horror film. Director Bruce McDonald continues the tradition with Pontypool. Pontypool is a small town in rural Ontario, where a radio host makes his way to work one early morning amidst a blizzard. While stopped at an intersection, a woman comes out of the dark, approaches his car and mumbles nonsense before disappearing again into the early morning. This sets the tone for what will be a surprising and unconventional zombie film, where the formerly human creatures are compelled by blood lust, but also possessed by a strange linguistic illness. The film uses its premise to explore the nature of communication in all its forms, and is mostly successful. The film loses quite a bit of ground in its second half, but is worth seeing for its ambition and the wonderful Stephen McHattie.

3. The Last House on the Left

I had no right to like this film. It is not only a remake, it’s a remake of a remake. It’s dirty, it’s dark and it’s violent. Like its predecessor, the film’s signature moment is a rape sequence, a and it’s worth mentioning to those who are unaware, because that can often be a deal breaker. This is not a fun horror film to watch, it is far from satisfying, and even the revenge taken on the aggressors is so morally ambiguous that you can’t revel in the demise of the invaders. Yet, I personally found the film fascinating for this very reason. It reminds me, though not with nearly the intellectually charge, of Haneke’s Funny Games. There is an artfulness in the direction and a condemnation of violence that is extremely involving and yet confusing. Unfortunately, the strange final scene makes a mockery of what precedes it. I suppose one could argue that it is the signifier of the complete moral decay of the father but there isn’t too much in the text to support that claim.

2. Trick’ r’ Treat

I was one of the very few who was lucky enough to see this on the big screen at Fantasia. Much like Drag Me to Hell, this is a horror film that is best enjoyed with an audience. It is exciting, funny and scary, and though it never truly gets under your skin, it is a thoroughly enjoyable experience. An anthology film, all four stories take place in a small American town, and are appropriately “horror-ific.” My favourite is probably the play on the virginal college girl, which is perhaps the most familiar storyline in horror lore and yet the film puts an interesting though perhaps not completely unconventional twist on it. The film’s appeal is largely on how well made it is, how it cuts at just the right moments, how it plays with our expectations and how it thrills us with its effects. The most notable is perhaps the showdown between a grumpy old man who lacks the Halloween spirit, and cute little bag boy who adorns the posters.

1. Drag Me to Hell

At its worst, Drag Me to Hell is a mean spirited, tonally confused film. If we are to believe that Christine Brown truly deserved to go to hell for her apparent “moral demise,” than the film is not particularly successful. If it’s the writing or the fact that Lohman is an extremely sympathetic presence, is difficult to say, but in that regard, the film doesn’t work. However, purely on style, Drag Me to Hell is a resounding success. Though perhaps Raimi relies a bit too much on gross out scares, he at least goes all out with them. They are often as funny as they are disgusting, and in context of the absurdity of the premise, they work remarkably well. Though I think the subject itself should be approached with some trepidation this was one of the best theatre experiences I had all year, and this film is as shocking as it is hilarious.