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Although celebrities are clearly a better class of people, they are nevertheless still people, still subject to human frailties and medical conditions. In order to raise awareness and sales of their memoirs, some celebs have told the world of their troubles: Mary Tyler Moore chairs a diabetes charity, Magic Johnson has advocated for HIV awareness and safer sex, and members of the Brat Pack have never tried to hide their prefrontal lobotomies. But other celebs have hidden behind a wall of shame. Let us shatter the secrecy surrounding five stars who suffer in silence.

Nicole Kidman - functional illiteracy

Abandoned by their parents in the wilderness, Nicole and her sister Kiki grew up without the benefit of society, schools, and all but the most primitive of beauty techniques. But even in this early hunter-gatherer phase of her career Kidman showed uncanny business savvy, and soon parleyed her first encounters with civilization into headlining a carnival as “The Wild Woman of Wonga-Wonga.” Since those heady days the sisters have adapted almost flawlessly into modern society, but Nicole never did learn to read. She still learns her lines phonetically (if you don’t believe me, check out her line deliveries in half her movies), and chooses scripts based on “dreams sent by Peepoo the Cave Mother” (if you don’t believe that, check out the other half of her movies).

Fact: Kiki and “NikNik” speak a feral twin language that they call “Australian.”

Mike Myers - Duhrette’s Syndrome

Comedian Mike Meyers suffers from a rare, localized version of Tourette’s Syndrome that causes him to uncontrollably shout punchlines. If he even thinks of a joke, he telegraphs it with belabored obviousness, then bellows the punchline and beats it like a dead horse. Luckily, he has found a niche in a series of popular children’s movies called Austin Powers.

Fact: Duhrette’s Syndrome was once believed to be contagious, due to an outbreak of cases at 30 Rockefeller Center.

Emily Watson - astigmapickfordism

Emily Watson suffers from a rare condition commonly known as Waif Eyes that causes all the pain and suffering of the world to pool in her big, sorrowful eyes. When you make eye contact with her she may be thinking of lunch, but you can’t help but be certain that she’s really remembering the time Poppa woke her up in the middle of the night to say he was going on a trip, and if you had understood what he meant you would have begged… Poppa… Poppa don’t leave me… Oh god, pull it together… deep breaths…

Fact: The original concept for Breaking the Waves was ” a sophisticated romantic comedy, an update of Design for Living.”

Donald Sutherland - approval addiction

Donald Sutherland has appeared in so many movies that even Hong Kong actors think he’s overdoing it. Is he a workaholic? No, he suffers from a psychological condition dubbed “approval addiction” or “the need to please” — when someone asks him to be in a movie, he simply cannot say no. He just hates to disappoint people. Sutherland’s concerned family members have taken to screening his calls and mail, but movie offers still get through.

Fact: Sutherland has appeared in 5,436 movies.

Will Smith - Muckraking Munchausen Syndrome

As a Hollywood superstar, successful rapper, and devoted family man, Will Smith seems to have it all. But the box office titan can’t have the one thing he really wants: gossip and scandal. Envious of the juicy exploits and tabloid exposure of his peers, Smith has relentlessly tried to create scandals about himself. But whether he cheats on his taxes, visits hookers and rentboys, or even flirts with Scientology, nothing negative ever really sticks to the nicest guy in Hollywood.

Fact: Sales of H.P. Lovecraft books doubled after Smith told a reporter, “I don’t worship Cthulhu, but I study all paths.”