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Katy Perry was spied with new friends Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in a Camden nightclub last Saturday.   After ordering cherry colas, the girls launched into a scintinllating debate on the ups and downs of Barack Obama’s first few months in presidency.  Katie argued that the closure of Guantanamo Bay and the raised taxes for health and education represented significant liberal progress, whilst Britney Spears staunchly maintained that McCain and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin would have made far better role models for today’s children.  Lindsay Lohan took a philosophical view of the subject, arguing that a firm hand like McCain’s was necessary to deal with the hostile and disorderly Hobbesian natural state of humanity.  In the course of the dialogue, she let slip that she and best friend Paris Hilton are writing a monograph on the topic, entitled ‘Lipstick and Leviathan’ which they hope will top the bestseller lists.

However, the real controversy of the evening began when the coke-fuelled Perry hit the dance floor. A shocked eyewitness told us:  “I couldn’t believe it.  Perry got up and started dancing with a … a….man!  If that wasn’t enough, she then went and kissed and embraced him lovingly, apparently enjoying the experience.  Lohan looked disgusted and humiliated, as if some personal trust between them had been betrayed and I don’t really say I blame her.  All onlookers agreed that she’d definitely let the girls down.’

This report is corroborated by the testimony of another patron, who told shorts that Perry ‘behaved in a scandalously heterosexual way, dancing, well, rather enthusiastically.  It was really shameful, at one point her dress strap fell off of her shoulder and you could see her bra strap.  Britney in particular seemed ashamed to be out with her.  She got up, went over to her and had a few words.  I couldn’t make out what she said but I thought I made out the words “non-christian” and “setting a bad example”.

Regarding the incident, Lindsay Lohan has since issued a statement confirming that she has cancelled Perry’s invitation to come over for tea and biscuits, adding ‘But I don’t really understand why you dedicate so many column inches to the three of us, when the challenging problems of climate change and peak oil are so much more vital to humanity’s survival’.

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Alarming reports have come in that Beyonce has been behaving ever more erratically.   Her descent began last month, when she was seen slapping a photographer and yelling “C’mon then! Come on then!  Outside!  Now!  You think you’re hard, huh?”.  Her recently fired PR assistant reported “she’s been a lot messier lately, there’s often pee on the toilet seat when she leaves the bathroom and she orders me about a lot more.  Yesterday she said to me “Go and make us a cup of tea, love”, and when I came back with it, she moaned that it was a bit too strong and didn’t have enough sugar.  But she still said “Cheers darling!” and pinched my bum”.  Others have noticed an alarming tendency for her to wear loose clothing which slides down her backside revealing her crack, and there have even been reports of her wolfwhistling at passing girls, making rude gestures and honking her car horn.

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Prince Harry has been hitting the headlines again.  On a recent royal visit to McDonalds in Blackpool , he began a loud argument with Prince William over the plastic toy in the happy meal.  In revenge for William’s claiming the action figure, when he wasn’t looking Harry reached over and drank his brother’s milkshake all up.  William has since said that when the time comes he will happily abdicate his rights to the throne in favour of his younger brother: ‘I believe he will be a good example in the modern world and will do a particularly excellent job at bringing Britain ’s diverse communities closer together’.